A Letter to My Younger Self


Dear younger Lizzy,

Before you read this letter, please dry your eyes and wipe that snot off your face. Thank you. I know you have a crush on your best girlfriend and that you think you might be a lesbian, so I’m writing to tell you that… well… you are. You’re a massive lesbian. You just need to get your head around the social norms and pressure to conform. You’ll have to disappoint mum since you’re her only daughter and you’ll never have that wedding she always wanted, and you’ll never wear that pretty white dress she wanted you to wear, or those silly white stiletto shoes that would have only given you painful, pussy blisters. That’s pussy as in ‘pus’, not pussy as in ‘you’re gonna lick so much pussy!’

This child will grow up to be a lesbian

Lizzy, my darling. I know sometimes you wish you were a boy so you could ask your girlie mates out. But you see, you don’t have to be a boy to ask girls out, and you don’t have to be a boy to kiss girls on the mouth. It’s perfectly natural that you want to kiss girls, that’s just how you are, and don’t let any stupid homophobe tell you any different. What isn’t natural is that thing with the electric toothbrush that you want try, I’m telling you now, DO NOT do that or tell anyone you want to, or you’ll never get a girlfriend.

And you will have girlfriends. You’ll have lots of girlfriends! Some will enjoy watching your tits floating in the bath and others will drive you crazy with their unreal expectations. Some will break your heart, but others will fill it so full with love that you’ll forget all about those bitches who didn’t deserve you anyway. And one day you’ll have a hot girlfriend who flashes her boobs at you all the time and only wants sex, and you’ll forgive her for being a messy bitch and leaving her clothes all over the floor because you’ll absolutely adore her. She’ll be quite a bit younger than you too, so a big “good for you” pat on the back for that!

Never saw it coming…

Coming out might be a bit tough, your parents won’t like it at all but they’ll get used to it once they see it’s not just a phase that you’ll grow out of. And you’ll have to keep coming out, again and again – at college, at work, to new people you’ll meet over the years. But it gets easier with each person that you tell, and your friends, well, they kinda know already. And your brother – he’ll just say, “Oh, I used to date a bisexual girl once!”

So you see, it’s all going to be just fine. It’s going to get so much wetter better. And one day you’re going to post all sorts of gay shit to thousands and thousands of lesbians on a website called Facebook, and they’re gonna read this too and maybe give you a ‘like’.

What would you say to your younger self?


About Author

Lizzy the Lezzy

I'm Lizzy the Lezzy and I'm out and proud lesbian and atheist! I started my career doing stand up comedy on Youtube, then moved to Facebook where I am now a massive lesbian.

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