Would You Marry This Dog?


New Theory: Homophobes secretly want to have sex with dogs.

Would you marry this dog? It’s a very cute dog, sweet-natured, loyal, cuddly, everything you’d look for in a relationship – except for the bad breath – but if you love it enough perhaps you could eventually accept that. After all, your love for your dog is the same love you have for your partner, isn’t it? I had a girlfriend with bad breath once, but she was great in bed so I got over it pretty quickly. What? No? Loving a dog is not the same as loving a human partner? But the homophobes say it is…

In my time as an out and proud internet celesbian dykon, I have often been the recipient of messages claiming that legalizing same sex marriage will inevitably lead to people wanting to marry their dogs, or any other animal for that matter. To them it seems like a logical progression. I understand that the sender of such a message believes homosexuality to be “morally wrong”, but when they equate consensual same sex love with bestiality, you gotta wonder what kind of perverted shit they themselves are fantasizing about!

They believe us gays, lesbians and bisexuals can and should restrain our homosexual urges, that it’s something we can control. I suppose it’s true, we might be able to control it if we wanted to, and we know that some people do try to control it – you know, the ones that marry someone of the opposite sex out of fear and the desire to conform, and then systematically cheat on their spouse with someone of the same sex, all the while lying, cheating and hurting the one they supposedly love.

fluffy dog 

So in order to try and understand the logic that same sex marriage will lead to me wanting to marry my dog, I try to put myself in the shoes of a homophobe, I try to think like a homophobe. As a homophobe, I spend a lot of time imagining what it’s like to have gay sex, because otherwise, how could I be so repulsed by it? As a homophobe, I secretly enjoy my erotic gay fantasies, but I control the urge to actually have same sex with someone because I’ve been brainwashed to believe it’s ‘morally wrong’ and I really don’t want to end up burning in hell for all eternity with all those fags. Still in the homophobe’s shoes, I start having fantasies about shagging my dog, all cute and fluffy and well, probably the only real friend I have.

I love my dog, but I control that urge too – not because the dog can’t give consent – but because if I’m already a sodomizing, gay deviant, the logical progression is that I will move on to animals, isn’t it? And through this process of being able to control my own sexual urges towards people of the same sex and towards my dog, I come to the conclusion that wanting to marry someone of the same sex is the same thing as wanting to marry my dog. I then scour the internet for gay and lesbian pages and I feel this uncontrollable urge to send them a message saying that marriage equality will lead to people wanting to marry their pets.

So homophobe, if you’re going to equate homosexuality with bestiality, it seems logical to me that the latter is something you fantasize about on a regular basis. How else could you become such an expert on what people will want if same sex marriage is legalized? You’re not even good enough for a dog. Dogs don’t care if you’re lesbian, gay, straight, bi or trans*, they’ll love you anyway, even for the bigoted ignoramus that you are.

What do you think? A new theory perhaps? 😉


About Author

Lizzy the Lezzy

I'm Lizzy the Lezzy and I'm out and proud lesbian and atheist! I started my career doing stand up comedy on Youtube, then moved to Facebook where I am now a massive lesbian.

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